White Hat Sports Headlines

Monday, April 7, 2008

Red Sox Ring Ceremony, How it should go.

I had a dream last night and it upset me. (I realize I’m starting this column like Lance Harbor started his speech at the pep rally during the opening of Varsity Blues, stay with me I’m going somewhere.) What upset me was that I had some how missed the Red Sox home opener and World Series Ring celebration. I’m looking forward to watching this because it finally gives closure to last season, you get to see the ring finally and with the Red Sox they usually pull off a big celebration of some sort with a few chill moments mixed in. You’re thinking to yourself right now “Sterling, how could they top the ceremony for the 2004 team, they gave Pesky a ring. What’s going to top that?”
I’ll tell you what could top it in forms of cheap drama and entertainment value, and that’s a wrestling style ceremony.
(This is completely fictitious, but you have to admit it would be funny.)

We open up with a live shot of Fenway Park with the camera panning around to the team waiting in the dugout eager to get their hardware. For some reason we spot former Red Sox manager and Fox personality Kevin Kennedy in the dugout. Must be covering the event for Fox……radio perhaps? Way too much is made of this by Jerry Remy who just can’t let it go as to why he’s here and starts hurling insults at him over the air. In a strange electronic malfunction Kennedy gets Remy’s broadcast in his ear and starts firing back all live on NESN. The ceremony starts and the feud continues. Beckett, Lowell, Pedroia and Papelbon get their rings and are standing on the field. Kennedy is now making his way to the podium to interrupt the speech; by the way did I mention that the player introductions today are being made by Luis Tiant? (How great would that be? Thick Cuban accent, Fu Manchu mustache, usually rocking a sweet pair of shades and a cigar. He pretty much is a wrestler, in fact, I think the WWE might have stolen his identity and called him Estrada. John W. Henry might want to look into this.) Kennedy goes into a rant about how he would take his 1995 AL East Championship team over the 2007 World Champions anytime and that the Indians team that his team got swept by would have beaten them too. Dusty “The American Dream” Pedroia charges Kennedy and challenges him to a fight right there in the middle of the field

Remy has had enough, he runs down onto the field to a standing ovation and steps between the two and says as President of Red Sox Nation he has an idea. Today, in this very ball park there will be a Steel Cage Match between the two sides. Kennedy insists that it should be a 6 man tag match. Pedroia is ready and he and Remy says he’s in too. Kennedy takes the microphone and wants to introduce his tag team partners…………

Jim Ross takes the microphone upstairs replacing Remy (could be a good idea for the season too, just a thought) and starts to talk about Kennedy when something starts playing from the speakers of Fenway Park.

“WWWWHAT THE HELL IS THAT? OH, GOOD GOD. TH-THAT’S JOSE CANSECO’S MUSIC!!!!!” Yells Ross as Mr. Vindicated strolls out towards the field wearing his 1995 AL East Championship shirt, twitching the whole way (kind of like if The Rock had turrets). Half way there Jose stops and points towards the stands where Roger Clemens is making his way down onto the field. “OH MY GOD, THAT’S ROGER CLEMENS!!! CANSECO AND CLEMENS ARE GONNA FIGHT IN A CAGE. THEY’RE ON STEROIDS, THEY’RE GONNA TEAR YOUNG DUSTY APART!!!”

As the two monsters stand next to a smug looking Kennedy, Pedroia grabs the microphone from him and prepares to announce his tag team partner.

“Our tag team partner, (dramatic pause) hails from Venice Beach, California. (Crowd starts to buzz again) He is weighing in at 303 lbs, (crowd knows who’s coming out) The Immortal, HULK HOGAN!”

Hulk comes out of the dugout and the crowd erupts in the stands. A wrestling ring complete with steel cage is brought out onto the field from the cage area underneath the centerfield bleachers. To be fair, the only member of both teams is scheduled as the special guest referee. Tim Wakefield pulls open his jersey to reveal a striped referees shirt. The match starts with a bang, all four me in the ring slugging it out. The Roiders as they are called by Ross double team on Pedroia till he makes the tag to Remy and “Marlboro Red Remy” gets the “tar” (that’s a pun, ha-ha) knocked out of him. Till he can finally make the tag to Hogan, who proceeds to give right hands and body slams to Kennedy, Clemens and Canseco. A double close line ends with all 6 men laying on the ground and the crowd on its feet as 1995 MVP and member of the ’95 team, Mo Vaughn makes his way out to the ring carrying a steel chair. Kennedy thinks he’s going to help them because he was on that team, Canseco and Clemens thinks he’s going to help them because he was named in the Mitchell Report. Vaughn breaks into the cage and clocks Clemens and Canseco with the chair knocking them both unconscious. While he does, Pedroia has climbed to the top of the cage.


Dusty flies off the top of the cage and lands on top of Clemens and Wakefield counts the 1……2……….3!!!!!!! Dusty’s theme music the American Dream plays over the loudspeaker and crowd is standing and chanting while Pedroia, Remy and Hogan pose in the middle of the ring.

Yeah, now that would be a great ceremony.

One that nobody would expect, except for me that is.

~Sterling Pingree

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