White Hat Sports Headlines

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Major League, Major League Baseball Game of the Week

This column is the love child of two different happenings.
While watching Baseball tonight this past Friday night with my pal Joey, he had a great idea. That there should be a Major League Game of the Week, and by Major League he means as in the movie.
I’m watching Major League II right now. It was a tough decision between the two movies, (the third one doesn’t exist and never happened) but I felt like watching Roger Dorn’s glorious comeback against the White Sox. Think about it, his hit by pitch against the White Sox would be to Cleveland, what Dave Roberts steal is to Boston fans.
This column is about Joey’s idea, though. There have to be one terrible major league match up per week. There just mathematically has to be, there are only 14 teams that have a chance to get to the World Series, and there are 30 teams. Pick the worst match up of the week and have Bob Uecker do the game as if he is Harry Doyle from the Major League movies. To make it even more satirical, we have him do the game with a fine upstanding former ballplayer (the equivalent to “Monty…..What’s his name.” I think the perfect pick for this has to be Cal Ripken Jr.
I’m as surprised as anybody by my Ripken pick believe me. I always liked him I guess, but was never his biggest fan. I appreciated what he did, even if I thought that he was perhaps a little more celebrated than he should have been at times. But in his post career I’ve found myself liking Cal more and more. In his gig as an analyst during last year’s playoffs he was surprisingly very good and he has exactly the clean cut image that I want in this role. Why you might ask?
Because, when the Marlins are getting beat by the Pirates 5-0 (I know, let’s just pretend that the Pirates could shut somebody out) you want Harry Doyle taking hauls right off the bottle and saying things to Cal like:

Doyle: “Cal, did you ever drink in a game during your streak?”

Ripken: “No. Why?”

Doyle: “Cause’ I did just watching you.”

Ripken: “Freddy Sanchez is a good ballplayer.”

Doyle: “Ever hit the town with Bill Clinton.”

Ripken: “No. Why?”

Doyle: “Oh because I did and I was thinking you were with us. It must have been your brother Billy. Or Frank Thomas, I don’t really remember.”

(Side note. As if Roger Dorn sells Jack Parkman to a division rival a couple months into the season. And how on earth does he get a Japanese outfielder as compensation? Ladies and Gentlemen, the Bud Selig era has infected film as well. What’s next?)
The Major League, Major League Baseball Game of the Week needs to happen. I’m not sure what channel would pick it up, but I would definitely pitch it to HBO first. For reason’s like I just witnessed when Vaughn gives up the game winning home run against Seattle and sends Randy Quaid over the edge. Doyle’s call:
“Vaughn kicks and delivers the pitch. Oh, Shit! Unless that Shaquille O’Neal in left this one’s outta here.”
This has to happen especially on HBO because we need the profanity and the public intoxication. Something that I just don’t see CBS getting behind, but they did give the anchor job to Katie Couric, stranger things have happened.

~Sterling Pingree

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