White Hat Sports Headlines

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Inaugural Jogging Diary AFC Edition

Starting out in this venture you rely on what you know and what you have seen from the greats that have come before you. In the spirit of that once again I am going to attempt to take a page out of the playbook of “The Great Bill Simmons”, I’m going to attempt a running diary, check that I’m not fast enough yet. I’ll keep this to more of a leisurely jog during the game. With that, I present to you a White Hat Sports Blog first,

THE JOGGING DIARY OF THE AFC CHAMPIONSHIP GAME

2:52pm. Live from Kingfield, Maine. Home of my dad’s 52 inch HDTV it’s time for the AFC Championship game!
2:58pm Howie Long starring in a Chevy commercial reminds me the Patriots have to the rights to the 7th pick overall in this year’s draft, perhaps Howie’s son Chris falls to New England? Maybe I’m looking way too far forward? Maybe it’s a sign?
2:59pm CBS’s dramatic open includes an orchestra playing while showing highlights from the Patriots and Chargers season. The music seems to fit the New England Highlights better than the ones of Shawn Merriman and Tomlinson. This is supposed to get people charged up? Really? Are you trying to tell me that Donte Stallworth is listening to Beethoven on his ipod before the game?
3:03pm THERE THEY ARE! THE DREAM TEAM! JIM NANTZ AND PHIL SIMMS!!!!
3:04pm. Pizza Hut’s new Pizza Mia pizza. $5 apiece, pretty much their version of the Domino’s 5-5-5 deal. Domino’s threw it all away and it’s now the 7-7-7 deal. That’s like trading Randy Moss when he’s 30 because you don’t have a qb. I think we can start saying that Mr. Domino is at the Al Davis stage of his career. I can’t wait till we start seeing Domino’s commercials featuring Raquel Welch as a sex symbol in 2008. I think that will be fun.
3:05pm Phillip Rivers is coming onto the field and Jim Nantz is holding his breath and still talking. Is there any wonder why he’s the best in the business?

3:07pm Penalty after a three and out for San Diego, whew a re-punt still 4th down after Richard Seymour “touches” the punter. (I’m holding the lonely punter joke inside right now). Gonna get a look at how windy the stadium is…… Decent punt. I’m declaring the wind will not be a factor…..For New England.
3:11pm Antonio Gates is already heading to the locker room. 2 minutes and three plays. I think I took the over. Come back Antonio!
3:12pm New England goes three and out themselves. Brady throws as many incompletions on this drive (2) as he threw all last week against Jacksonville.
3:14pm Tomlinson not out for the second series, the Chargers are dropping like flies. On a side note Rivers completes back to back passes and Phil Simms is already going into his “Nobody says they can do it” speech.
3:18pm Rodney Harrison comes off the corner and lays a little hit on Rivers. Incompletion, San Diego to punt. Harrison taps LDT lovingly on the head as they leave the field. I think it was lovingly? No flag, I call it lovingly.
3:19pm I’m now wondering to myself two things during the commercial break. 1. When did Rodney Harrison become loving? 2. How many times can I use loving or lovingly in this Diary? Too many already? I agree.

3:23pm We have the first declaration by my Dad to have Kevin Faulk used as the starting running back after Maroney goes for zero yards on a carry. This is always a fun moment.
3:27 Just watched an odd McDonald’s commercial with a kid dancing while eating McDonald’s food. The odd part was that they were eating it on plates that weren’t paper. While the kid is dancing the dad is starting to feel it, while the mom looks like she wants to divorce the dad and disown the son. In the words of Bill Cowher: “That’s a special moment”
3:30pm Seau sacks Rivers to force yet another punt (5 this quarter) reminds me, we have an aging veteran! There’s usually one on every team that wins a championship. You know the guy who you find yourself saying things about like: “I’m glad (Player X) is getting his chance to play in the Super Bowl”. Seau is the Patriots “Player X”.
3:33pm Brady throws a pick to Jammer. His first in the first quarter of a playoff game in his career. San Diego is now in the Red Zone.
3:36pm “San Diego has scored on its last 32 trips to the Red Zone” Nantz is on his game today. 3rd and goal, this game has an odd feel to it right now. Hoping it passes.
3:38pm Nick Kaeding slips through an ugly field goal, 3-0 San Diego. (Had to throw ugly in there, I have to get vengeance somewhere right now). Still stunned by the Brady interception, this game is starting to feel like Dick McPherson is involved somehow.

3:41pm The new season of Survivor just advertised. It’s going to be Fans vs. Favorites. I feel like my dad should be on this show to get back at the Karate instructor that took himself out of the game with injury costing Dad money in his office pool. That’s must see TV, trust me.
3:43 REVERSE! Moss gains 14 yards and my spirits are lifted for the moment and held there by a screen to Kevin Faulk. I love screens to Kevin Faulk. It’s like getting older and having cookies and milk. Very innocent feeling. So innocent, they run it again. I love the Bill Belichick/Tom Brady Era.
End of the first quarter and San Diego leads 3-0.

3:48pm Pats are sitting 1st and Goal. A short pass to Kevin Faulk gets the Patriots down to the one yards line, this leads to Maroney cherry picking Kevin Faulk’s touch down. In retaliation, I am going to look on eBay for a Kevin Faulk jersey. TAKE THAT!
Extra point makes it 7-3 Patriots and I can now see colors again.
3:53pm LDT is staying on the bench right now; Jim Nantz is going to get a report. That means someone better start doing their job on the sidelines or he’ll bring in a Gumbel to do their job and nobody wants that. NOBODY!!! Tasker’s on it. LDT is being benched as a coach’s decision. Norv Turner, you never know what he’s going to do! I fully expect him to wrestle Shannon Sharpe in a cage after this game with the winner getting a title shot at Wrestle Mania 24.

3:58pm Checking the Pro-Bowl roster, looking for Vincent Jackson…….nope not seeing him on here. Chargers are inside the 10 again.
4:02pm The Patriots are officially in “Bend But Don’t Break” mode. Kaeding drills another field goal. New England still leads 7-6.
4:04pm CBS shows a montage of their new shows. “Jericho” and “Dexter” are among them. This just in, Sterling isn’t coming to Fox this fall. As far as you know.
4:09pm Kelly Washington taps down a punt at the goal line and is downed inside the San Diego 5. I could see this play becoming the NFL equivalent of the blocked shot or the home run saving catch in MLB. Mark my words; punt downing is about become big.
4:10 Dad predicts Ellis Hobbs will pick the ball off. I say Asante Samuel will because he’s looking for a new contract in the off season and apparently playoff interceptions are worth $250,000 in incentives.
4:13 Asante Samuel picks off Phillip Rivers. I can’t make this up inside the Jogging Diary, it’s against the rules. Though that does make me look really smart doesn’t it?
4:14pm After a Kevin Faulk screen Brady throws a touch down pass to Jabbar Gaffney, who performs the first “Lights Out” dance of the game. Two things are wrong about this. 1. That I have to put “Lights Out” in quotations and 2. I predicted that Vince Wilfork would be the first.
14-6 Patriots 3:46 left 2nd quarter
4:19pm Ellis Hobbs picks off Rivers. Dad and I are getting jobs applications right now to work at the State Fair guessing people’s weight right now.
4:21pm 8 yard run by Kevin Faulk. Phil Simms points out a block my Logan Mankins where he completely pins down a linebacker and appears to throw a punch at his ribs.
Me: “Look at him, that’s the beard of a guy that would punch a someone”.
Amanda, My sister. “That’s a good comment to make about someone”
I have a rule, when someone likes what I say; I put it in the Diary.

4:25pm Apparently "Dexter" is coming right up, in 4 WEEKS from now. I better hold all my plans for February.
4:29pm Antonio Gates makes his first catch of the game and Phillip Rivers is apparently taking night courses at the Donovan McNabb School of clock management. Good for you Phil, you just furthered your longevity of your career by taking two time outs on back to back plays inside the Red Zone and not hurrying to the line. #5 would be proud.
4:33pm Kaeding lining up a 40 yard fg with 12 second left. Kaeding has missed a field goal in all 4 of his career playoff games. Not this time. Nick Kaeding hits the field goal and Nick is fired up. Phil Simms then spends a full minute explaining why.
4:36pm Gates and Rivers leave the sideline with 8 seconds left in the half. I feel like I should call Commissioner Goddell and let him know. He might want to suspend them both for the second half for this. Just a thought.
4:36.44pm first half ends 14-9 New England at the half.
After 1,540 words I’m taking my first time out of the day.

2ND HALF STARTS

5:05 Second half starts with an inexplicable Brady interception that looks rather fluke-ish. I’m just saying it has that type of feel going right now. A San Diego promising drive gets snuffed out inside the 5, yadda yadda yadda I had some good chicken at half time and it’s now 14-12 Patriots.
5:10pm Maroney runs for an 18-yard game. The largest pick up by the Patriots today, good we got it, not so sure the fact that follows that is or not…..
5:11 First text message of the night. My buddy Zach proclaims that bad things happen when they throw the ball do Donte Stallworth which leads me to Jim Nantz type stat. Tom Brady has thrown two interceptions on three attempts today when trying to throw to a wide receiver who believes he has an alien alter-ego with him. He’s not coming back next year, either of them.
5:15 Apparently Laurence Maroney is alive and rushing the ball right now. After getting one rush in the first half of the Philadelphia game and bringing all Patriots fans trust in a running game lower than Hillary Clinton’s testosterone count. Right now he’s putting this offense on his back. I didn’t see any of this coming, not even Hillary.
5:17 Disregard everything I just said. Brady throws an interception to Antonio Cromartie in the end zone on third and goal. 3 picks on the day and I can’t see colors.

5:21 Belichick is starting to unleash the dogs a little bit, he brings Harrison off the corner, needless to say Rivers throws two balls away. Patriots get the ball back with a couple minutes left in the third quarter.
5:23 To further explain how, off this game is right now. Heath Evans just caught a ball down field; the full back just caught a ball down field. Tell me this game isn’t bizarre.
Jim Nantz “We have one more quarter remaining to determine who will represent the AFC in Arizona at the Super Bowl.” Until this moment I had actually forgotten that. This game is taking its toll on me right now.
5:28pm Maroney just “Truck Sticked” a cornerback (unless the you’re the one person who hasn’t played Madden in their life, “Truck Sticked” makes perfect sense)
5:32pm Brady handles the pressure perfectly, great protection by Matt Light results in a touch down to Wes Welker. 21-12.

5:34pm I can finally see colors so I do a little research. In the 1990 NFC Championship game against San Francisco, New York Giants kicker Matt Bahr kicked 5 field goals to single handedly beat the 49ers 15-13. Thanks Wikipedia.org
I know one thing right now. 5 field goals might happen in this game for Nick Kaeding, but no longer will that alone with this game. Which is nice to have in the final quarter, to decide who will represent the AFC in Arizona at the Super Bowl?
5:40pm So how about Ladainian Tomlinson not playing this game? Norval might regret that? No? Then why is Rivers throwing every snap right now?
5:46 I swear I just saw Dusty Baker on the Patriot sideline. I cannot convey how terrified I am right now.
5:47pm Chargers call a timeout.

5:50pm I did some more research during the Chargers second time out. Our Dusty Baker look alike is actually Ivan Fears the running backs coach. Let’s keep him away from Tom Brady’s arm, you know just in case.
5:51 Dad: “3rd down and 3 to go. What do you run here?”
Me: “Run a screen pass to Faulk, it’s all that’s worked today”. The play went like this, courtesy of Gil Santos “Direct snap to Brady, has time throws over the middle. CAUGHT! Kevin Faulk! He gets the first down and more, out towards mid field. First down, Patriots!”
Thanks Gil.
5:58 Maroney picks up a first down with fewer than two minutes to go. This should do it. The Jogging Diary is going to Arizona to represent the White Hat Sports Blog in the Super Bowl. Oh Wait, the New England Patriots are going to Arizona to represent the AFC in the 42nd Super Bowl!
6:01pm Belichick looks like he is about to hit a camera man as he tries to shake hands with Norval at midfield. It’s a big night.
6:12pm As Andre Tippett and John Hannah present the Lamar Hunt Trophy to Robert Kraft I’d like to break this down a little bit.
-The Patriots are 18-0 in the 2007 season
- I’m 22 years old and the Patriots are about to play in their 6th Super Bowl in my life time. Which is incredible for a team who also finished a season 1-15 within my lifetime as well
“I’m glad we’re going someplace warm because I’m freezing my you know what off right now” Tom Brady to Jim Nantz during the post game trophy presentation.

We’re Jogging all the way to Arizona!

~Sterling

1 comment:

FUCK THE PATRIOTS said...

Although this article is filled with jokes, the Patriots are not a joking matter for me. I hate them with a burning passion, every bone, every ounce of blood in my body absolutely hates them.