History In The Making

Alright, so I’m about to attempt something never attempted before, at least to my knowledge. I am going to do a double jogging diary. I will switch between the USA Basketball Team and the Sox-Yankees game. Here’s the catch; once USA is up by twenty I’m done.

8:07 PM: Canada showing some early aggression. Interesting to note that the Canadian team has only one white player starting. I would have expected more.

8:10 PM: USA up by five right now, and Wade nailed a three with the announcer’s reaction being “I think Wade is already wet right now”, followed by “I don’t think Kobe is getting off right to start.” Awwwwkward. Time to switch.

8:11 PM: Top four already, and the Yankees are up one to nothing. I hate the newly minted Sox fans with a passion, because you see them all the time talking about how the Yankees suck and they aren’t scared of them. No offense, but if you were a fan of the Sox earlier than 2004 you would know better than to not be scared of the Yankees. I’ll be O.K. with the Sox when they have a 20 game lead with 30 games left. No sooner.

8:15 PM: Varitek throws out Melky Cabrera perfectly. I think we should just allow Tek to take a baseball whenever he gets up to bat and just throw it. That way we don’t have to watch him hit and his average is bound to go up.

8:18 PM: I switch back over to USA action just in time to hear the announcer say that Kobe is too cool for school. This announcer is extremely, extremely awkward. I think he should travel back about 40 years in time, he would fit in then. Also, Jesse Young for Canada looks exactly like Chris Kaman, only with black hair. Poor guy. USA still only up by five. They need to get to twenty soon, otherwise I won’t be able to use my wrists to hit in the ABC Vs. Local Merchants Softball game tomorrow.

8:22 PM: The announcer just said something about erections. Alright, seriously, he’s got to be doing this stuff on purpose. I’m looking at you, Tim Donaghy, with your prop bets.

8:25 PM: Back to Sox. Joba is on the mound, and so far has looked really good. Well, he was looking good till we got a close up of Luis Alicea’s crotch. Now I’m not so sure. Jerry Remy just said Joba is slowing his fastball down as a starter, then says he is hitting around 91-93. Meanwhile the radar gun is showing 98+. Now they are showing shots of the Sox bullpen band. That thing is so cool; I’m surprised it hasn’t gotten more publicity than it has.

8:29 PM: Back to basketball, and it’s a close-up of Cana-Kaman. Not the greeting I was hoping for. Score is 32-25, and the USA still has yet to pull away from Canada. This is kind of depressing. Meanwhile, Fran Fraschilla just called Beijing Beeeejing. That’s fantastic. Now it’s a ten point game. This is more like it.

8:34 PM: Tried to go back to Sox, but Youk makes a fantastic play at first to get the unassisted double play and send it to commercial, so back to NBA. The announcer for the NBA just announced he is “feeling Dwayne Wade”. To take a page out of Arrested Development, he should really just watch the tape of his game calling and see if there is anything awkward about it. I’ll be referring to him as Tobias the Analrapist from now on. Back to Sox.

8:37 PM: Breaking news, Yankees have traded four prospects for Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte. Both decent players, but not the stars we are used to seeing head to the Yankees. I guarantee this is followed by the announcement that Hideki Matsui is done for the year. And now you know why I am never comfortable with the Yankees. Meanwhile Joba’s breaking stuff is much more impressive than his fastball to me. Of course, I wouldn’t be saying that if I was in the batters box.

8:41 PM: Team USA is now up by 15, and this jogging diary has an expiration date of about 10 minutes I bet. They have expanded the lead now with Chris Paul at the helm rather than Jason Kidd. Hopefully they don’t start Kidd because of his “experience”, because Paul is the guy that will win it all for them. Tobias the Analrapist has nicknames for all the players on the team like he’s their best friend.

8:45 PM: Beckett is struggling, giving up nine hits through 5+ innings right now. Only one run, but it seems only a matter of time till he breaks down. I saw him live during the Brewers series, and I can tell you this isn’t the same Beckett we saw last year.

8:48 PM: We are one point away from the end of the jogging diary. My prediction of 10 minutes may come true.

8:50 PM: Well, I was close. USA has the twenty point lead plus some now, so this is the end of this ground-breaking jogging diary.

Till next time my friends…

~Aaron Jackson